Do We Think Well of Others to Protect Ourselves?

Hello, my regulars : )
And a warm welcome to all the new readers!

I did not have to think twice about what I was going to write for this week’s edition. It’s because I’ve been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde for a couple of weeks, and I’ve been highlighting a lot of quotes and excerpts from it.

Now, I’ll tell you one thing straightaway: this edition is not going to be an easy read. I mean it will be a bit unsettling and something that may sound harsh.

That is because this book is like that as well. If you have read it, then I’m sure you’ll know that already.

And I think this is what makes literature great. Sometimes, it just makes us pause and question things, even ourselves and what we believe in. And that’s not always bad.

So, out of the many dark and witty lines that Lord Henry (the central character of the book) speaks, this one hits me like a rock:

What the f---, right? Well, that’s how it is almost every time Lord Henry says something in the book.

Let’s think about it, slowly…

In the first sentence, Wilde is pointing at a kind of self-protective illusion that we all have.
We tell ourselves others are good, decent, and moral because the alternative is terrifying.

He’s just providing a straightforward reason for why we prefer to believe good things about other people. But the part “we are all afraid for ourselves” is where it gets unsettling.

It implies that we're scared about what it might say about us if we don’t think well of others.

I mean, just imagine:
If people around you (your friends, family, lovers, colleagues, or even strangers) were truly cruel, selfish, deceitful, or ‘bad’ in any manner, then that would mean you are constantly vulnerable. And that’s not a good position to be in.

That’s why we choose to believe the best in others as a kind of psychological armor.

So when Wilde wrote “afraid for ourselves,” I think he’s talking about fear of being hurt, exposed, or implicated. It’s something existential.

The deeper meaning could be multiple things:

Projection/Mirroring: If we constantly see evil, deceit, or ugliness in others, it might force us to confront those same potential flaws within ourselves. That way, it's more comfortable to project goodness outward.

Safety and Predictability: When we believe others are good, it makes the world feel safer and more predictable. On the contrary, if everyone is inherently malicious or untrustworthy, then we are constantly vulnerable, and life becomes a fearful struggle. Hence, assuming the best offers a sense of security.

Self-serving bias: If we constantly think that others are flawed or capable of terrible things, it might challenge our own self-perception, especially if we consider ourselves "good." It might also imply that we, too, could be perceived negatively or are capable of similar misdeeds.

Avoiding responsibility: If we think others are "bad," it might require us to take a stand, challenge them, or protect ourselves, which is difficult and confronting. But we can avoid that by just thinking well of others.

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This is where it hits hard. Why? It’s because here Wilde shatters the general belief that optimism comes from genuine happiness or a belief in inherent goodness.

He states that our positive outlook on life—our hope that things will be good—emerges from a deep, underlying fear.

Wilde suggests that true optimism isn't a brave embrace of life's potential, but a desperate avoidance of its harsh realities. We're terrified of what might actually happen—of the pain, loss, and suffering that exist, so we cling to optimism as a shield.

Optimism, in his view, is a psychological defense mechanism. He thought that one has to believe things will be okay because the alternative (total despair, nihilism) is too terrifying to contemplate.

This kind of optimism isn't about seeing the good; it's more about refusing to see the bad. It's a deliberate act of looking away from uncomfortable truths driven by profound anxiety.

All of this combined falls under hedonism—a philosophical outlook in which pleasure and the absence of pain are seen as the ultimate good and primary motivator of human action.

Why did Wilde say this?

When you read The Picture of Dorian Gray, it becomes clear that Wilde was deeply interested in the masks people wear—socially, emotionally, and morally.

In the book, he explores the split between appearance and reality, virtue and vanity, surface and soul.

I think Wilde isn’t necessarily saying optimism is bad; he’s saying that, often, it’s not what it seems. It's less about believing in goodness and more about escaping the horror of what might be true.

No doubt, overall, it's a very cynical take, which suggests that much of human kindness and hope is not altruistic or genuinely positive, but rather rooted in self-preservation and a profound anxiety about the world and our place in it.

So, that brings us to…

Is Wild too cynical?

Remember, in the beginning, I told you this is not going to be an easy read. Well, now we are already past that (or maybe not). 

Surely, there can be some counterarguments against Wilde, right? I can think of a few:

Optimism can be rooted in resilience, not terror: Many people remain optimistic not because they're terrified, but because they've endured hardship and learned to trust that things can improve.

We can’t say that’s delusion; that’s a choice. A hard-won worldview.

(But Wilde might reply: "Resilience against what? The terror you’re denying.")

Believing in others can be a form of love, not self-protection: Wilde claims we “think well of others” because we’re afraid for ourselves. And he assumes we're always acting out of self-interest.

But that’s not true all the time. What about compassion? Or empathy? Or choosing to see the good in others to help them grow into it?

(But then Wilde may say: “We love others for who we hope they are; never for who they truly are.”)

Wilde's view is emotionally overgeneralized. This quote paints all optimism and goodness in others with one dark brush. But human motivation is complex and varied.

Some people do live in denial.
Some do hope because they’re scared.
But others hope because they’ve cultivated gratitude, mindfulness, or a belief in something larger than themselves.

Wilde’s view is brilliant and can’t be dismissed, but maybe it's just one slice of the human condition, and not the whole pie.

(To that as well, Wilde could say something like: “Complexity is what we call it when we tire of admitting the truth.”)

Perhaps Wilde does not want us to be all cynical; he just wants us to:

• Question our optimism: Is it a conscious choice, or a reflex to avoid hard truths?

• Embrace nuance: People are capable of both roses and rot. That’s just human.

That’s all for this edition.

Will see you next Saturday.

Until then
Stay curious

Zaid

PS: Did this week’s quote and newsletter make you think differently? I love hearing from you. You can reply or comment. (I respond to everyone.)